Super Hero First Day

I am very pleased to announce that today I officially became a superhero. I thought you might be interested in seeing my agenda for the day.

7:45 Pick up orientation packet at check in desk. Surprised to find there is no health plan.
8:00 Attend orientation breakfast. Use X-ray vision to warm up cold scrambled eggs.
8:30 Stop by "Sidekick" room and pick up superhero sidekick. Name him "Turd Boy".
9:05 Take in inspirational lecture by "Cocaine Man". Reveals he now wishes to be called "Re-hab Man".
9:45 Try on spandex superhero outfit. Ask Turd Boy if outfit makes my ass look big. Take outfit back and ask if they have something in khaki.
10:20 Partner-up with "The Phlegminator" during team-building activity.
10:35 Wash hands.
11:15 Perform first superhero task. Use power of flight to fly to Hollywood and prevent George Clooney from making another "Ocean's" movie.
12:00 Make mistake by agreeing to go to lunch with Drool Girl.
12:45 Pee in "Great Salt Pond". Change name to "Great Salt Lake".
1:15 Use power of invisibility to sneak into Jessica Alba's shower. Find myself in Rosie O'Donnell's shower instead. Make note to check Superhero GPS system.
2:30 Use "Vulcan Mind Warp" on Britney Spears. Take off my underwear and shave my head.
4:00 Go to gym for quick workout. Use supersonic speed to run 2,325 miles in 17 seconds. Discover anti-persperant does not hold up.
5:00 Participate in "intervention" with Lindsay Lohan for Re-hab Man.
6:30 Kick Kid Rock's ass. Do not need super powers for this.
7:00 Stop by Blockbuster and pick up copy of The Family Stone
7:30 Go home. Put on Superman jammies and start movie.
9:00 Lights out.